Communicating with a former spouse isn’t easy. Your relationship has changed; you’re not going to be talking to each other the way you used to when you were a couple. These changes have probably been emotional. In fact, you may still be dealing with your emotions about the separation. But you can’t let behaviour and emotions control how you communicate. The better you communicate the easier, cheaper and quicker settling your separation will be. There are techniques to good communicating, whether you’re dealing with high or low levels of conflict. You may face varying levels of conflict when speaking to your former spouse so make sure to go through all the techniques.
There are established keys to success for positive communications. Whether you’re talking to your former spouse or a neighbour, being a good communicator is a useful skill to have. Learning these skills will go a long way to helping you work things out with your former spouse. And these skills can be used in all aspects of your life.
Active Listening
As strange as it may seem half of communicating is listening. To communicate effectively you have to be an active listener. Active listening is more than just hearing what is said.
Guidelines to active listening:
Body Language
Sometimes you give off messages without saying a word. The way you sit, or your facial expressions can be a form of communication. Even when you avoid saying anything negative, your body language, such as crossed arms or rolling of the eyes, can send the speaker the message that you are not interested in what they have to say. If you’ve ever experienced talking with someone who rolled their eyes at what you were saying or kept looking around you’ll recall how annoyed you felt. So pay attention to your body, and don’t let your body language undercut your efforts to communicate positively.
Negative body language to avoid:
Body Language |
Details |
The message it sends |
Fidgeting |
Moving around, tapping your legs, playing with jewelry |
Nervous, annoyed, bored |
Eye Contact |
Looking away, avoiding eye contact, rolling your eyes |
Annoyed, uncertain, insecure, frightened |
Sounds |
Making sounds of exasperation, sighing, |
Not listening, frustrated, disregarding what other is saying |
Posture |
Slouching |
Closed off, not interested |
Arms and hands |
Crossing arms, arms on your hips, clenched fists, pointing |
Upset, closed off, annoyed |
When you are communicating, do a self-check to make sure you are not derailing your conversation by giving off negative body language. Remember that you communicate with your whole body. For your self-check just remember your SELF:
Spine –Your spine is straight and you’re not slouching
Eyes- you are maintaining eye contact, not rolling your eyes
Legs – Not fidgeting or tapping your feet
Fingers – Neutral hands, not crossing arms or clenching fists or pointing
Stay Issue Focused
Set out what you are going to discuss and stay on topic. E.g. If you and your former spouse are talking about paying for your son’s soccer team fees, don’t get into dialogue about how he or she doesn’t go to watch enough games. The goal of the conversation is to sort out how the team fees are to be paid.
Stay focused. If you allow the conversation to get off course, your goal will not be met. You will need another conversation to sort it all out. If the other person is getting off course, refocus them by acknowledging you have heard what they are saying but that you want to work this issue out, before moving on to other issues.
In the next two sections, you will discover techniques for staying focused and for refocusing. For now, try practice using these refocusing phrases:
Our discussions have been focused on face to face communications, but that is not always the best way to communicate. When stress levels are high and emotions are sensitive, meeting face to face may make it more difficult to reach agreement. Just being in the same space together may make it harder to work things out.
Thankfully, there is no shortage of communication alternatives these days. You can choose to communicate a different way, like by telephone, through e-mail, or by texting. You may want to try using all of these communication channels to improve your ability to get messages across to each other. It is important to pick the right channel of communications and to discover what works best for both you.
Choosing the right communication channel will depend on you and your former spouse, plus the nature of the information to be shared. Communication is a two-way street and the channel must work for both of you. Plus, some channels are best suited to sharing information in certain ways. Some conversations might be best face to face, while others are better through a phone call, email or text message.
For example, you might consider setting up a phone meeting to talk through different issues. If there are a lot of emotions attached to a particular topic, it might be easier to talk about it over the phone. Or, if you talk face to face, you might consider following up by phone to clarify some key points or to provide additional information.
Texting works well for shorter, time-based messages. It lets you exchange information quickly, though not with a lot of detail.
To exchange specific, detailed information, an email might work best. That way, you can attach receipts, contracts or other documents. Plus, the email creates a written record of your exchange. You can refer to it later, as necessary. For some guidance take a look at the tips on using email with your former spouse. Many of these tips can also be applied to text conversations.
Tips for Using Email with Your Former Spouse
You and your former spouse might use e-mail to discuss issues. It can be a convenient and practical way to exchange information. But it can also lead to misunderstandings if you are not careful. When we communicate in person, we often use non-verbal cues (smiles, frowns, tears, tone of voice) to signal our feelings. E-mail takes away those cues.
Here are a few tips to keep in mind.
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